Mr. Pickles' Digital Mayhem

First trip of the new year is on! I flew in to Las Vegas yesterday for a story on the new years resolutions of Las Vegas showgirls. This means a week in Sin City, all expenses paid!

Well, I don't know if my first few hours here will be any indication of the rest of the trip, but let's just say that I'm having second thoughts. I get in my cab at the airport, and my cab driver is a complete weirdo. He introduces himself as Madagascar Manny. I seriously thought we were going to be in an accident before I had the chance to blow my chips at the Slots o’ Fun. It seems that Madagascar Manny couldn’t keep his eyes on the road. You see, the cab was rigged with a video camera. I thought it was for my Taxicab Confessions, but Manny was really just recording his audition tape for a new reality TV show – Paradise Goat Island…while speeding down Tropicana Avenue.

And then to top it off, he farts on his heated seat. It was like microwaving a turd. This trip can only get better, right?

The last few weeks were a blur of activity - office parties, gift exchanges, family visits, etc., I hardly had any time to write any of my hilarious blogs. Since the end of the year/beginning of the new year is the time we love reading lists the most, here’s my holiday wrap-up in list form. ENJOY!

Best Gift (non-Grandma):
Noise-cancelling headphones, from Mom and Dad. Take that, noise! I just gave you the Shift-Alt-Delete.

Best Gift (Grandma):
A Ziploc bag full of meatballs

WORST Gift:
A box full of mustaches, from Mr. Friend. he found a case at the Beard Academy and wrapped it in the Sunday Funnies.

Best Holiday Cookies:
Those peanut butter deals with the Hershey Kisses.

Worst Holiday Cookies:
No-bake oatmeal turds.

Best Christmas Special on TV:
The one with Heat-Miser.

Worst Christmas special on TV:
The Christmas edition of “Deal or No Deal”. Banker, why are you such a Scrooge?!?!?

5 Other Great Things About The Holidays:
1. All office gifts instantly regifted to aunts/uncles
2. Plenty of time to catch up on my Tivo’d shows
3. Going to mass - at MIDNIGHT!
4. Holiday sweaters
5. Stocking stuffers

And 5 Other Crap Things About The Holidays:

1. Lots of songs about snow and NO SNOW!
2. Distant relatives who insist on hugging
3. Weight October 1 - 170lbs. Weight January 1 - 9 metric tons
4. Getting an Applebee's gift card from my boss, Harry Molar, for the 3rd year in a row. Dude! There's a Chili's right next door!
5. Having to take down my Christmas tree and wait another 335 days to put up another one.

My tour of sitcom cities wouldn’t be complete without a stop to Cincinnati, where I visited my favorite radio station, WKRP.

Let’s take a time machine back to 1986. Everyday after school, I would race home to catch the 3:00 reruns of WKRP on Channel 6. And, everyday, I would fall in love with the gorgeous Loni Anderson - and sometimes Jan Smithers, depending on what she was wearing. But Loni! You were like summer + apple pie + some watermelons.

Loni, if you’re reading this awesome blog, do you remember the letter I sent you? No? I kept a copy of it:

Dear Loni, I love your hair and dresses. If I move to Cincinnati, can I please be your boyfriend and take you on a date? And then you and I can ride motorcycles. Please write me back. I love you.

Welp, there’s no sign of Loni in Cincinnati anymore, but the radio station is still there. I got to spin a few records yesterday afternoon. And you know what I said before I had to leave? BOOGER!!! Yeah, I’m cool!

“Schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated!”

According to both the Kosher Nosh: Yiddish Dictionary and the American Heritage Dictionary, schlemiel is a habitual bungler and schlimazel is an unlucky person. Hasenpfeffer is a German stew made of marinated rabbit.

Huh? You gotta wonder what those DiFazio and Feeney babes were smokin!

Nowadays, Seattle is the home of McDreamy, McNerdy, McBlahBlah and the rest of the gang at Grey’s Anatomy Hospital. But, my favorite Seattle doctor is McFrasier!

I’ve been driving around town for days trying to find any Frasier-related landmarks. Certainly there would be an Eddie Memorial Dog-Park. Or maybe Martin’s busted recliner would be on display in City Hall. What about Niles’ favorite table at Cafe Nervosa? Well, friends, I couldn’t find a darn thing!

Just as I was getting discouraged, I was met by two people I know as well as the back of my hand - Betty & Luann - better known as Tossed Salad & Scrambled Eggs! They live in Discovery Park and are Seattle’s official greeters. Well, the three of us became fast friends and they took me to play Bingo and eat fish tacos. And then- Scrambled Eggs all over my face, if you know what I mean….

Last week, Harry Molar handed out assignments for the big Holiday issue of The Gold Coast Traveler. As you may know, this issue is chockful of the most ridiculous stories of the year. Remember last year when I collected Socks From The 50 States? GAH! That was awful.

So, this year, my assignment is Sitcom Cities. In the next few weeks, I have to visit sites from the opening credits of our beloved sitcoms. Horrible, right?

First stop - Santa Monica. It’s no secret that Santa Monica is where the kisses are hers and hers and his - Three’s Company, too!

The bad news here is that The Regal Beagle has been turned into a shop offering pet coronation ceremonies & accessories. A disgrace! But, the good news is that the Los Angeles Zoo has honored Three’s Company by dressing up their flamingoes to look like the cast: Jack, Janet, Terri and even Mr. Furley. Just like the beginning of Season 6! Sadly, no sign of Chrissy, Larry or the Ropers. But, those early shows sucked anyway….

Where am I off to next? Stay tuned, readers!

At the Grand Ol’ Opry today. Good God.

The entire place smells like a corndog. I went to look for the restroom, but ended up in someplace called the Hall of Overalls. I tried to back myself out of that room, and fell backwards into a butter sculpture of Roy Clark.

Even though the Grand Ol’ Opry is completely weird, I will say that this dump is COMMITTED to country music. At any given time of the day, there’s live music somewhere. At 3:30 pm today, I was treated to a show by “living legends” The Colonel & Chenille. Chenille is a bird, and The Colonel is a chicken nugget. They like singing songs about love and freedom. I mean - where else do you find this?

Welp, I’m exhausted. I’ve seen at least three live country music acts in the last week and I’m wiped! Does it get any better than this? Probably. Do I feel like investigating any further? Not really. Back to Chicago!!!

Sorry for the delay in posting my blog. I was so in love with Big Bone Lick State Park that I stayed living with the bison for about a week. We played Uno and watched The Amazing Race at the guest center. My bison friends and I, of course, are cheering on our hometown favorites – the Kentucky coal miners. Go Team Bumpkin!

OK! So, back on task! I’m on the hunt for more country music! I drove down to Lynchburg, TN. I read on the Internet that the best live music in Western Tennessee is happening in The Caboose Café. The Caboose Café, in stumbling distance from the Jack Daniel’s distillery, did not disappoint. I walked in around 1:30 on a Friday and got a table right next to the stage. The house band was in full jam when I sat down. Twins Earl and Merle were accompanied by a gentleman named Stumpy, who played a washboard tie. What a marvelous instrument!

Merle, the band’s lead singer and triangle-ist charmed the diners with a full repertoire of songs about garbage. He had written a full album’s worth of songs about Dumpster-diving. Amazing! This is country music! Misery, suffering, the joy of finding a half-eaten cheese sandwich! The highlight was the washboard tie solo in the middle of “The Wet Rubbish Blues”. Stumpy strummed his tie so fast and so hard that his thumbs started to smoke. When the song ended, the diners gave the band a standing ovation and threw their wet-naps at them, per local custom.

Encouraged now by my first two stops, I think I’m ready to take in the full majesty of the Grand Ol’ Opry. Wish me luck!

Packed up the car today and hit the road. Assignment: Find the current state of country music. Yikes.

Was on the road for a few hours when I crossed over the Kentucky state line. I was in the state for about 10 minutes when I saw a sign for my first stop – Big Bone Lick State Park.

Here’s a quick sum-up of the Big Bone Lick Story:
1) Mastadons used to rule Kentucky
2) The mastadons die off and the bones create salt deposits. Some colonial wise-acre called the area Big Bone Lick.
3) Thomas Jefferson visited the park once.
4) The park is now operated by a man named Santa Claus and is overrun by bison

One of the bison at the park is the world-famous Curly Fro-Fro. As a baby bison, Curly made friends with a park visitor. The visitor taught Curly how to play the guitar and write sad songs about indigestion and wind-storms. That visitor was Johnny Cash.

So, I got a free concert from a living legend. And then I fed him some grass and watched him poop. This trip is awesome!

Friday afternoon, my boss - Harry Molar - gave me my next assignment. Ever since he saw the Conway Twitty story on the CMT network last week, he’s been on this country/western kick. So, he wants me to take a road trip through the Hills of American Music (i.e. western Kentucky and Tennessee) and report back on the future of country music.

I’m concerned. I’ve had Huey Lewis’s SPORTS album on heavy rotation since 1983. So, this will be a journey of discovery for me - of learning, of knowledge, and also maybe some corncob pipes.