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Thumb Wars
Sat, 2007-08-11 16:03.My favorite piece of mail upon returning to Chicago was Mr. Friend's latest New Yorker submission.
I wish my thumb had a flame thrower. In fact, if I lost all of my fingers and had to replace them, I'd add in their place:
- a flamethrower thumb
- a giant foam finger for the Cubs games
- another middle finger (for scratching my forehead)
- a ring finger claw
- a pinky finger jet that shoots Easy Cheez (or DQ soft serve)
Bionic Pickle Hand! Swweeet!
Mr. Pickles' Mail Sack #1 - Tattoos???
Fri, 2007-08-17 00:19.Ahoy, friends! I get dozens of letters from readers every day, and I usually throw them out. But, I actually read one recently and thought I would answer as part of a new Blog Feature - Mr. Pickles' Mail Sack!
"Dear Mr. Pickles,
Do you have any tattoos?
Sincerely,
Mim Slo-Tar
East Jesusville, Arkansas"
Great question, Mim. I do not have any tattoos, but I've been thinking a lot about getting one lately. Like most teens these days, I've been keeping a tattoo journal, which catalogs all of my tattoo ideas and I've narrowed it down to six.
1. "The Tupac". Hey, home-slices! I'm hip to the hippity-hippity-hop! (You don't stop!) And, what better way to show my "props" to my dizzle fa-snizzle Tupac than by getting his famous tat replicated on my belly? He would have been very proud!
2. "The Italian". As a pickle, I can't grow hair. I recently went to the Italian Riveria resort town Cinque-Tortellini and was amazed by all the body hair. I think the only way I can get a spicy Italian mama to notice me is to get some hair inked on. Mr. Pickles wants some Italian sugar!!!
3. "Birds". Did you know that sailors in ancient sailor days got birds tattooed on their chest as a sign that they were well-travelled? It's true. And, as a reporter for Chicago's seventh best travel magazine, I think this is a really appropriate design! Chirp Chirp!
4. "Draco!". I call this one Draco, because he's a dragon, get it? Dragons are ferocious and so am I. That's what I'm telling the world when I get this bad-boy!
5. "Prepster". On the other hand, I'm also what the ladies call "metro-sexual", which means I polish my shoes regularly and I drive a Passat. From what I understand, us "metros" also like to dress up. Since I don't really wear clothes, I though I'd just get an alligator inked onto my chest. Clever, huh?
6. "Huck". My cousin, Mr. Friend, said I should just get something that I really like a lot and will behappy with for the rest of my life. I can't think of anything that brings more joy to my life than Huckleberry Hound comics. So, this one is the leading candidate.
What do you think, readers?
