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Friday afternoon, my boss - Harry Molar - gave me my next assignment. Ever since he saw the Conway Twitty story on the CMT network last week, he’s been on this country/western kick. So, he wants me to take a road trip through the Hills of American Music (i.e. western Kentucky and Tennessee) and report back on the future of country music.

I’m concerned. I’ve had Huey Lewis’s SPORTS album on heavy rotation since 1983. So, this will be a journey of discovery for me - of learning, of knowledge, and also maybe some corncob pipes.

Packed up the car today and hit the road. Assignment: Find the current state of country music. Yikes.

Was on the road for a few hours when I crossed over the Kentucky state line. I was in the state for about 10 minutes when I saw a sign for my first stop – Big Bone Lick State Park.

Here’s a quick sum-up of the Big Bone Lick Story:
1) Mastadons used to rule Kentucky
2) The mastadons die off and the bones create salt deposits. Some colonial wise-acre called the area Big Bone Lick.
3) Thomas Jefferson visited the park once.
4) The park is now operated by a man named Santa Claus and is overrun by bison

One of the bison at the park is the world-famous Curly Fro-Fro. As a baby bison, Curly made friends with a park visitor. The visitor taught Curly how to play the guitar and write sad songs about indigestion and wind-storms. That visitor was Johnny Cash.

So, I got a free concert from a living legend. And then I fed him some grass and watched him poop. This trip is awesome!

Sorry for the delay in posting my blog. I was so in love with Big Bone Lick State Park that I stayed living with the bison for about a week. We played Uno and watched The Amazing Race at the guest center. My bison friends and I, of course, are cheering on our hometown favorites – the Kentucky coal miners. Go Team Bumpkin!

OK! So, back on task! I’m on the hunt for more country music! I drove down to Lynchburg, TN. I read on the Internet that the best live music in Western Tennessee is happening in The Caboose Café. The Caboose Café, in stumbling distance from the Jack Daniel’s distillery, did not disappoint. I walked in around 1:30 on a Friday and got a table right next to the stage. The house band was in full jam when I sat down. Twins Earl and Merle were accompanied by a gentleman named Stumpy, who played a washboard tie. What a marvelous instrument!

Merle, the band’s lead singer and triangle-ist charmed the diners with a full repertoire of songs about garbage. He had written a full album’s worth of songs about Dumpster-diving. Amazing! This is country music! Misery, suffering, the joy of finding a half-eaten cheese sandwich! The highlight was the washboard tie solo in the middle of “The Wet Rubbish Blues”. Stumpy strummed his tie so fast and so hard that his thumbs started to smoke. When the song ended, the diners gave the band a standing ovation and threw their wet-naps at them, per local custom.

Encouraged now by my first two stops, I think I’m ready to take in the full majesty of the Grand Ol’ Opry. Wish me luck!

At the Grand Ol’ Opry today. Good God.

The entire place smells like a corndog. I went to look for the restroom, but ended up in someplace called the Hall of Overalls. I tried to back myself out of that room, and fell backwards into a butter sculpture of Roy Clark.

Even though the Grand Ol’ Opry is completely weird, I will say that this dump is COMMITTED to country music. At any given time of the day, there’s live music somewhere. At 3:30 pm today, I was treated to a show by “living legends” The Colonel & Chenille. Chenille is a bird, and The Colonel is a chicken nugget. They like singing songs about love and freedom. I mean - where else do you find this?

Welp, I’m exhausted. I’ve seen at least three live country music acts in the last week and I’m wiped! Does it get any better than this? Probably. Do I feel like investigating any further? Not really. Back to Chicago!!!